As I was trying to clear out old classwork - because I'm a hoarder - I found an assignment that I got an A on in English when I was in the eighth grade. For the assignment, we had to write a dialogue using language of the Shakespeare era. It was a group assignment but I came up with most of it. I think it's funny but is it funny to others?
Gretchen was waiting outdoors by the supermarket for a friend. As she waited for a while, ole Samuel came around the corner of the sidewalk. He instantly became smitten when he had glanced at Gretchen standing there. He started to rush up to her.
"Hello," Samuel greeted.
"Hello," Gretchen responded.
"Lovely day, isn't it?" he asked.
"It's a bit humid."
"I can tell. You're real humid."
"Sorry. I would like to go the theater with you."
"I would but I'm meeting a friend."
Samuel started to mutter to himself.
"What?" Gretchen asked.
"Oh, nothing. I just think you should have the time to go somewhere with me."
"But I'm meeting a friend."
"Stop being a younker."
"After you stop being an evil-eyed dogfish."
"Well, you started it."
"No, you did."
"Why did I ever ask you in the first place? You're nothing but a clot pole!"
Gretchen gasped. "Go away!"
"It would be my pleasure."
Samuel walked away in fury. After a few seconds, he walked back towards Gretchen.
"Wasn't that weird?" he asked.
"How so?" Gretchen questioned.
"I came up to you, trying to sweet-talk you. Then I just storm off while the last thing I said was very jaded."
"I suppose so it was weird. I might've been a little dog-hearted."
"Yes, you were."
Gretchen glared at him.
"I mean I could admit I was a bit greasy. Can we start over?"
"Sure. Why not?"
"Great. So do you want to go out?"
"Why not?!" Samuel whined.
"I told you almost twice."
"Why do you have to be such a rabbit-sucker?"
"Listen, nut-hook, my friend will be here in two-point-O minutes so can you wrap this up?"
"No, I will not wrap this up! You can't change the time on your wrist watch to make time going to a theater?"
"Ha! Wrist watches aren't even invented yet."
"Look, stop being purpled for a second and say yes to my question."
"First, answer my question: can you be white-livered somewhere else?"
"Snipe, please. I was on my way to another place anyway."
He stormed off away from Gretchen. Then five more seconds later, he walked back towards her. "Why did I just do that?"
"What? Walk off?"
"Yes. Wasn't that ironic? I thought you were honey-tongued. That's why I came up to you. And I walk off again looking at you as if you were a canker blossom."
"To agree, that was ironic but your attitude towards me was really, really grizzled."
"People can change."
"Then let's go through some things. I... will not... go to the theater with you. Understood?"
"Powdered wig wearing jerk!"